Identity...

While on Face Book this morning, I came across a question from a fellow adoptee (also from Infant Paradise)

He wrote:
"Identity: Who Am I?...A big question, right? Have you had to work through identity issues as you grew up in this culture, yet inside felt divided - Colombian or US citizen? Have you ever been asked - "where are you from", and you had to stop and think about it? For me, the internal multiculturalism question has been difficult to answer. My answer - I am from Colombia, South Dakota, Bolivia, Kansas, Virginia, Indiana! How about you, what are your musings on this topic? Here is to knowing ourselves!"

Here is some of what I posted:
I can totally relate to this question as I've wondered myself. My answer would have to be...I'm a fully blown, Texan/American that was born in Colombia, SA! I love having been raised in Texas! I have a deep appreciation for America because I wasn't born into this country. When the Star Spangled Banner is sung, I usually have tears well up in my eyes. Thank You, Lord for my Colombian and US citizenship! As for the "feelings" I've struggled with...Where do I belong?...Do I belong?...Can people be trusted when my own parents left me?...Who do I share a blood line with?...etc. I've found that only Jesus Christ can tell me who I am. He IS who He says He is. Therefore, I AM who He says I am! I am His. I am chosen. I am the daughter of the King. Do I still wonder who birthed me? Sure! Do I wonder if I share the same eyes as my biological mother? Sure! Do I wonder if I have siblings? Sure! Do I long to know more about ME? Sure! All these are strange questions because I see finding no answers to them. As disappointing as this has been in my life, God's love for me is stronger and bigger. I've been on quite the journey to find myself...still looking in some areas...but overall, I like me...I like who God created when He made me. ~ Psalms 139

After having written my thoughts on FB, I was reminded of some things:
In October of 1994, while away in Granbury, TX, I was deeply met by the Lord. I knew He wanted me to get away and be alone with Him. At that time, in my life, I didn't much like being alone but I obeyed and went away. Within the first hour, He met with me. I had been dating Bruce for 4 months at the time and was falling in love with him. I arrived to a rustic condo on lake Granbury and settled in. I had my praise and worship music on. I had my Bible out. I had a notepad with a pen. I was trying to be "spiritual" but yet I heard nothing from God. Why am I here? Why did you bring me here to be alone for the weekend? Can't I hear you while shopping on the square...just kidding! I decided since I wasn't hearing Him within 10 minutes of my arrival (we're so impatient, aren't we?), I'd take a nap. When I woke it was due to Bruce calling to see if I had made it safely. We didn't talk more than 5 minutes and I soon realized I had just had a dream...a deeply strange and powerful dream.

I began to write down everything that I could remember from the dream. I saw it again as if it were in front of me. I saw everything in color. I saw each persons face. The clothes they were wearing. The overcast sky. The rocks and pebbles on the dirt road. I saw Jesus.

The dream:
It was a bit of an overcast day. The sun that shown through the clouds was hot and created beads of sweat on the brows of the four men that were walking down a long dirt road. They were all in blue jeans and button up, long sleeved shirts. They were all Colombian men. The man who stood second from the left was carrying a baby girl. None of these men spoke. Each walking at the same pace with little to no expression on their faces.

(In the dream, I'm an adult, watching all of this happen.)

I can see the men coming towards a trash dumpster on their left side and a small building on the right side. The small building was white and had two steps leading up to a small door. The men came closer and as they did I began to hear the baby screaming from inside..."Please, don't leave me. Please, keep me. You'll be glad you did. I'll be perfect someday for you. I'll make you happy. You will love me. Don't leave me here alone. Please, don't. Please, don't." All four men stopped walking. They stood in a straight line next to one another. They were sad and hot. The young man, second from the left, in his early 20's, who was holding the baby kept walking. He took a few steps forward and placed the baby down on the ground. I knew at that moment he was placing ME on the ground. Again, my heart screamed for acceptance, affirmation, attention, approval and love from this man. For you see, he was my Daddy. He took a couple steps back in the direction of the other men and as I laid quietly on the ground I longed for his touch. BUT WAIT! He was turning around!! He was coming back for me! He came to his senses. He was going to keep me! He looked over his shoulder as if to say, "I love you" but he kept walking to the other men. My dream ended with these men walking back down the dirt road, until I could only see the dirt shooting up from the back of their boots.

I awoke to Bruce's call to check on me.

After I wrote all of this out, as fast as I could. I realized God was there. He was there when I was left. He was there for me and has never left me. Nor has He ever left you. God sat with me that evening and the Holy Spirit was my counselor. I was able to walk through forgiveness towards my biological father. I didn't know I even needed to forgive him but God knew.

I'll never forget the first day of school, in second grade. I went to Blanton Elementary School in Arlington, TX and there I sat...first row, fourth seat back. Mrs. Picken's looked to be in her early 100's. I'm sure she was only in her 50's...maybe even 40's. I'll never forget what she said aloud on the first day of school. IS THERE ANYONE HERE WHO WAS BORN OUTSIDE THE UNITED STATES? Why in the world did she do this to me? I sat quietly. She asked again and that time, I slowly raised my hand. I hated the attention. I didn't want special treatment. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to slip in and not be noticed. I'm sure she meant well as she thought it was wonderful that I was there...in the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA and in her class. Not a good day for me.

After having sat with Jesus and allowing Him to heal parts of my heart that day, I was a different girl. I truly began to understand that the story I had made up in my elementary years was false. In fourth grade, I was asked by a friend, "Who's your REAL mother? Don't you want to know?" It was on that day that I made up this story: "Some jerk of a guy got my real mother pregnant and she couldn't take care of me so she had to put me up for adoption." I hated him. I hated the man that secretly messed up my life and my real mom's life.

I had no idea that years later, I would be making wrong choices to fulfill the same desires I had on the day I was abandoned...acceptance, affirmation, attention, approval and love. God created us with these desires. He longs to fill them in our lives but often our own wounds keep us from fully knowing of His love for us. It's so deep, so wide, so unbelievable. We can't fathom His love for us.

I left Granbury, TX, that October weekend, with a renewed hope. I was able to accept love from my Dad and from this wonderful guy that I was dating (Bruce). I was able to marry Bruce (9 months later) and know that God would equip me for the calling He had on our lives. I was able to build a relationship with my Dad for the first time and believe that he loved me. I was able to encourage him to show me love when his parents never taught nor told him he was loved by them. I was able to minister to our youth girls as Bruce led them at our church. I was able to stand at the foot of my Dad's bed in May of 2001 and know that nothing stood between he and I as he laid there dying in front of me. I was able to birth Joshua and see Jesus in him.

These men...the man on the dirt road, the man who adopted me, the man who married me and the boy that Jesus gave me...show the power in forgiveness! The man on the dirt road, who I believe to be my biological father turned around after having left me BECAUSE he loved me. He was saying, "I love you enough to leave you." The man who adopted me became my Dad...my REAL Dad. The man who married me, my Bruce, has been patient with me and shown me God's love in ways I never dreamed possible. The man that my son will become is Joshua...He will bring many to Jesus because he is a lover of people and our God.

So who are you? Who is your identity in? Remind yourself today of what He has done in your life. Reminiscing brings much joy!

Thanks for listening (reading) to my heart today. He is good and faithful!
Ruth